Sitting with discomfort

Mornings are contemplative for me. For as long as I can remember, they have been. Those first quiet hours before daybreak are my only real solitude- my chance to breathe a bit and hear myself think. I protect that time fiercely.

Sometimes, when something becomes so important to our lives, it starts to take on a life of its own. Somewhere along the line, I bought into the narrative that I MUST have this quiet time or the rest of my day will be thrown off. To take it even a step farther, I started laying out options for how best to utilize that time so I’m my best self when my son wakes up. The morning always opens with a hot cup of coffee and a meditation. But what follows has developed and changed over the years to include various other activities in the efforts to really start the day out right.

The latest in a long series of such add-ins has been the addition of the acupressure mat. The mat is simple- a small pad covered in plastic spikes on which you may sit, stand or lie down. The spikes function in much the same way acupuncture does- putting pressure on various acupoints along the meridians in an effort to keep energy flowing freely through the body. The benefits of said mats are desirable- eased muscle tension, improved sleep, restored balance, and better circulation. The catch? One must suffer 2-4 minutes of pain while the body settles into the sensation before feeling an incredible calm.

I won’t lie. The first time I tried it, I cursed myself for having such a torturous idea. But I made it through the 4 minutes of pain and the sensation after was truly delightful. It gets easier in time, dare I say even peaceful.

But something changed in recent weeks. I have been impatient with life, butting up against factors out of my control. I fell into common trap of Western thinking- when life feels out of control, focus in on the things I can control and get to work. I needed to maximize the benefits of the mat. I needed to make my mornings more efficient. I wanted the time on the mat to be used effectively, so I tried to force intentionality and work through the current stress while on the mat. I needed to do more, be MORE.

After weeks, that stress had only grown, culminating in a day of utter defeatism and self-doubt.

I was frustrated.

I took out the mat this morning. As I laid it out on the floor, I tried to summon an intention. But frankly, I was too tired. Not physically, mind you, mentally, emotionally. I sunk into the mat, closed my eyes, and breathed in the fragrant aroma from the incense burning. And I thought of nothing. Nothing.

Instead, I simply noticed what arose as the minutes ticked on. I witnessed myself in discomfort as those first moments expanded out into the blackness of the morning. And what arose as the burning discomfort subsided and my body released into ease was the knowledge this experience was indeed the deeper purpose of the mat. We have become accustomed to valuing purpose and functionality, of demanding results. We are always doing, striving, fixing, healing. But we cannot achieve ease until we are willing to sit patiently in the experience of discomfort.